All it took was one comment.
6 months. I haven’t slept, waiting… I’m so hungry. But today. Glorious today (or maybe a while ago as I haven’t been bum juiced to check this) it arrived, so now I’m back writing stupid nonsensical cat eye drippings for .00000000000000000000001% of people with Internet who google for blogs with the words “Poop Anus” and “Your mum’s boobs” in this Godless, God filled world.
I had two crumpets today and a cup of coffee. My knee hurts. My…
Nah. I did though, but nah. I am of course going to talk about the “Paedophile Pound”:
Now, if your not really up to speed with the business world and can’t spare the time to read the Financial Times or ‘FT’ – as people who have less time to spare than you but wear suits and get taxis and eat lunch and don’t jerk off unless they’ve paid for it – call it, then I’ll get you up to speed.
The “Paedophile Pound” was introduced in the early 18th Century, when Rent Boys in the East End of London – eager to avoid jail and the free daily bummings they’d have to endure – set up their own currency and penetrated a juicy legal loophole. From that day forward, stock in the Paedo Pound has continued to rise, and now sits in parity with the Queen’s stupid Pound:
Notes come in Ones, all the way up to Thirteens, because – allegedly – according to articulate Oscar winning director Roman Polanski: “There ain’t no fucking point going higher than thirteen, is there like? Huh? I’m talking to you, shit mouth! Oh, didn’t know you were still listening n’all. Over thirteen and there might be weird squiggly hair and all sortsa old person noise in the stupid kid’s kecks. No self-respecting Paedo wants that fugkkin’ mess when they’re just trying to have a nice time with a nice young person… Threes-up in the Hot Tub at my house at 4pm! Just kidding, International Police Forces!”
Roman’s handsome face currently occupies pride of place on the 6 Pound note:
The Paedo Pound was also a trail blazer in typography. One of it’s top Paedo’s, John Herbomangademonbrawn, a graphic designer from Scunthorpe, invented “Comic Sans”, a font so alluring as to render any child that sees it a jibbering wreck, incapable of thinking of anything but fun and goodness. All notes 5 inches long, purple and smeared with three-day-old Baby Bell and also carry the image of an item beloved by children, as illustrated on Roman’s note, where a large bucket of sweets seems to scream out to the child: “Put me in your mouth and gorge until you’re sick!”
The idea for the various images; tricycles, puppies, cake and TV, came from prominent Paedophile Gary Glitter. If he had been interviewed about the subject, he would have no doubt said, “All kids are well dumb but mmmmmm…. so damn attractive and light.”
When asked how he could consider children to be dumb, when he himself took his computer into PC World to be fixed, loaded with the most vile images known to humanity, Glitter took his wig off, pulled down his trousers and put said follicle fakery on his fecund penis and shriveled testicles, shouting Glam Rock slogans from the 1970s.
With the rude health of the Paedo Pound, Media Moguls are getting in on the act and their influence can already be felt in risque adverts for Pampers, where gratuitous close-ups of babies bums have aired pre-watershed. Readers of The Daily Mail are said to be somewhat concerned but are waiting to be told exactly what to think and how to feel, lest they suffer the indignity of making an informed opinion of their own.
Primark spokesperson, Barry Gallawooginheginshireson, had this to say about his company’s seeming shift into the lucrative market of the Paedo Pound:
“The padded bras for 7 year olds were a great success and we made a right mint out of them because all our workers are Chinks… sorry, Chinesers, and the Chinesers work for F all as they can barely see out of their weird, slanty, non-British eyes and so they can’t even tell when they’re being ripped off! Look out for boys Y-Fronts with extra crotch padding, in stores soon. 5 pairs for a fucking quid.”
What a world we live in. What? No, we do. It’s a world. It’s not just the Internet. I was shocked too…
So my financial tip for today is put all your money in the Paedo Pound. Unlike property prices and interest rates, with the Paedo Pound, you know your money is always secure because we live on a fucked up little planet where nice things and truly abhorrent things happen every minute of the day, and still, we are the only intelligent life forms known in our Solar System. How terribly, terribly sad.
I’m away to send NASA a fiver.