Tag Archives: spiders

The Cominginging

I know you’ve been waiting for it like cats on hot tin roofs with baited breath and tender hooks. Shit, that sounds horrible. Saw IX. Saw IX will be like that. Cats melting on metal with hooks and a clown and blood and 3D and IMAX and popcorn that costs more than the cinema ticket and a Coke cup big enough to drown a puppy in.*

*Don’t drown puppies, and if you really really have to drown one, don’t do it in Coke. Coke Zero maybe, but not Coke. Poor puppy, you puppy killing sick puppy.

Yeah, so that thing thing you’ve been waiting for, all none of you, is the ‘real me’ being revealed. Huh? You weren’t waiting for that? You don’t care in the slightest? You… Yeah, fair enough actually. There are billions of people on this planet, some of them with muscles and jobs and plans and houses and shit, so you should probably take more interest in them. But, while I have your humming bird attention, I’m starting another wordpress to rival the stratospheric success of this one. “And the name of this site?” I hear your inner child scream for a billionth of a second, before thoughts turn back to toasted sandwiches and Jeff Goldblum movies and how to shave your ass without being able to see, and whether the thought of such an act – never mind following it through -makes you a gayer and you want to just be like your Granddad was in the 50s and go work a job for 10 hours a day, come home for supper, read the paper, listen to the wireless, and not be told that the wireless modem is playing up, or that iPlayer keeps freezing, or that your online presence isn’t what it should be, and and and life’s too complicated when it should be simple. Get a mirror out and shave your ass, you big straight man, you.

Well, it’s ingeniously called Raykaneraykane.wordpress.com

Yeah… seems someone else is called my name and took it first, so I doubled up, like a 2am Jack Daniels. I might puke. I think I’m going to puke. Nah, I’ll be fine. I’ll puke later. I need to puke. “Don’t puke now mate!” “What? If he’s going to puke, get the fuck outta my cab!” “Whaaaaaa… I’m fiiiiiiiiiine. Heeeeerrrrcupppppp.”

So look out for Raykaneraykane where you will find… Lots of boring stuff really. Pictures of design work I’ve done. Some words I’ve written for proper sites and magazines (not very many, mind, as I’m not a show off, or successful, but I need money one of these days, and maybe one if you knows someone who knows someone who can send me an email and get my hopes up enough that I have a place in this world, and then I can phone my parents and be all like, “Hey, yo! What? Yeah! Yeah, I do actually! Yeah, and he’s going to pay me. Huh? Paul Squatalucci. Squatalucci’s a real name. Italian, probably. He found me on the internet. Yeah, yeah, Internet. Internet, Mum. Not on The Facebook, but on the other bit of the Internet. The bigger bit and he saw my site and dug it with spades) and the occasional amusing picture, like this one:

That’s amusing, right? AIDS coming from a vomiting mythical machination? And then a spider that can talk a bit eats it? And then that spider goes off and bites a… man or something? And then that man gets AIDS? Yeah, that’s funny. Ha ha. See. Funny. What? Well, where did it come from then? You tell me. Go on… Tell me. Nah, don’t bother actually. I’ll just look it up on Wiki. That’ll be accurate.

That’s me done for now. I need another coffee. I need a job. I need I need I need and I want.